


Rest your body on the shore

by Linusblanket



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Day6 - Freeform, I literally wrote this instead of working, I mean if you're here you already stan, ILY, M/M, POV First Person, Wonpil is reminiscing, anyway, jaepil, standay6youcowards, sungpil, why am i like this, wonhyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-13 10:19:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18029873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linusblanket/pseuds/Linusblanket
Summary: A story where Wonpil remembers a person that left him behind, a person he left behind and the person who chose to hold his hand and walk beside him. Alternatively, a story where Wonpil reminisces the times he spent by the river and the sea, only to gravitate back to what truly matters.





	Rest your body on the shore

**Author's Note:**

> MONTHS ago I tweeted about wanting to write a jaepil story. My favourite writer on AO3 @everywinter even commented saying I should try it T-T But I never did OTL  
> BUT as you can see I may or may have not just written a wonhyun/jaepil/sungpil story.  
> At work :)  
> They should fire me ._.

When you ask people about first love the answer seems to always go along the lines of “first love is the purest, the most innocent and selfless act”. In my experience young people love fiercely, their youth makes them still capable of loving with total abandon. I was 15 when I met him for the first time. I had my fair share of crushes till then but nothing worth mentioning. It had been almost 3 months since I changed schools, and this time for my chemistry class I had opted to sit on the last row of desks with my new friend Dowoon, far behind from my previous spot, in a pitiful attempt to avoid being questioned again this year about my knowledge -or rather my lack of it- for the subject. I was introduced to Younghyun, or Brian as the rest of his friends called him, for the first time there. I’ve heard of him previously from Dowoon, but till that moment him and I had never exchanged a word. Turned out he was one of the top students in my class, an excellent athlete, a smart ass and on top of that extremely handsome for his age. When we first met, we couldn’t stop talking to each other. We became quickly very good friends, to the point my dad referred to him, me and Dowoon as “sticker trio”. Even if you ask me now, I still can’t pinpoint the time I fell for him. All I remember from those school times are the countless conversations, the inside jokes and the bike trips near the river. We would play even if the water was cold till our fingers and toes went numb, lie down on the grass and then play in the water again. I’ll admit he was rather popular in our school. I remember Valentine’s day and a bunch of girls lining in front of his desk at break time to give him chocolate and other types of sweets, that we ended up eating together in his backyard. I believe every single one of our friends, old or new, could see the kind of special connection that was forming between us. I could feel it in the teasing look Dowoon would occasionally throw at me, Terry’s snickering and Ayeon’s meaningful smiles and comments. And in some ways, they were right.

During the years that followed my feelings blossomed as I waited for him to look at me in a different way, to start caring for me too. It broke my heart seeing him flirt with other people, but I was stubborn and committed, I never failed to be his friend, even if that meant trying hard to please him with my words and actions. And as the years went on, our connection developed into something more powerful, beautiful even. I don’t really know how it happened. Dowoon was the last one of us to finally turn 19 that night and we had gathered in his house to party and celebrate it. I just remember myself siting on the balcony in need for some fresh air, since I wasn’t particularly familiar with the feeling of the alcohol in my system yet, when he came and sat beside him. I probably said something and maybe he did too, and the next thing I felt were his lips against mine. I won’t lie, it wasn’t my first kiss, yet at that moment it felt it like it was the only kiss that mattered, there was nothing awkward or hesitant about it. It was a kiss that made me realize I didn’t want to kiss anyone else, just him. We started dating the very next day. The time we spent together during the mornings was usually unplanned, random and spontaneous, but most of our nights ended up with partying in clubs or bars with Younghyun’s various friends. We were young after all, just beginning to explore life without adult supervision. And Younghyun loved socializing and dancing and it didn’t take him long to show me how to enjoy the second part of our outings too: I adored the way our eyes met while dancing, our bodies close together, so close we could feel one another breathing. Dancing made my self-esteem skyrocket, it stirred my inner sexuality in ways I couldn’t describe. Just like our first kiss, our first time wasn’t awkward either: it was needy, almost desperate. It was clothes scattered everywhere in his room, his voice saying “trust me”, because Younghyun was experienced and knew what he was doing, it was a bit uncomfortable -for me- but overall passionate and intense just like all the other times that followed after that night. We were on fire for each other, once even making love on his parents’ staircase at night, just inside the front door, right at the start of our winter holiday break and after too many days apart due to college.

If I could sum it up in a few words, I’d say that there was definitely nothing boring about the way Younghyun loved: It felt like a rollercoaster ride, it took me to the most spectacular heights and I was like a little kid that didn’t want to get off.

But Younghyun was fierce. He was anything but simple. Sometimes, I felt he was unstoppable, that he took everything he wanted from life with just a smile and his never-ending charm. “There is nothing more dangerous that a boy with charm in college” my mum told me one day. I myself understood that Younghyun needed someone able to keep up with him and for many months I tried to shape myself into that kind of someone. I did it because I wanted him to miss me when we were apart, I wanted him to want me more. But there comes the time when pretending to be a social butterfly, when you’re actually a shy recluse, gets tiring. When him pitting me up against another boy or girl from his college just to make me jealous and add spice in our sex life, stops making me feel wanted. When his teasing tone about my personal style and interests, no longer feels like an innocent joke.

It would be fair to say that Younghyun’s love was like a river. Most people think that rivers flow swift and sure in one direction, but regulating the flow is more complicated than it looks. Rivers in the end are nothing but unpredictable, with complex dynamics and I think that at some point of our relationship I came to understand that subconsciously: because in the end, when I gave up on trying to please him, him kissing me goodbye didn’t seem so unpredictable after all. He had fallen out of love, he had “…lost interest… it’s normal… We’re young, you did nothing wrong” as he said. It seemed easy for him to tell me just that and walk out of my life so quickly like he was never part of it, like nothing ever mattered, leaving me behind to mend a broken heart when one week later I saw him with another guy.

Still, in many ways, I’ll always miss Younghyun. He taught me a lot about life, pain, hope and the long journey ahead.

 

____

 

Jae may have not been my first love, but even now I have a feeling that he was the first to truly love me back. Our first meeting seemed taken out from a script of a cheesy TV drama. It was on my 3rd year of college, when caffeine had become a daily necessity. Sometimes I still wonder what would have happened had I chosen to sit on the corner booth instead of the table near the windows. What if he had entered the coffee shop some minutes before the rush hour, when there were still unoccupied tables available. What if either of us had chosen to make coffee at home, of had gone to Starbucks across the street. I still think of the endless possibilities of how close we were to never meet at all.

“Is this seat taken?” his voice steady but light, clear and pleasant. If anything deems to be called love at first sight, it would be this. He was that kind of boy someone could call “cute with capital C”.

And just like that we started talking. Being with Jae was easy, he radiated this sense of familiarity and comfort, a feeling of knowing someone even though you’re completely strangers. He was a senior in my university on a different department so it was fairly easy to find topics to converse. His voice and accent were adorable, his looks and personality a different level of loveable. I remember leaving the coffee shop thinking how this was the best thing that had happened to me. Days went by and we used to meet regularly. Our mutual interest was undeniable and it didn’t take long till our “meetings” involved to “dates”.

We were into mellow dates with tasty food. We’d order pizza and chicken with beer and share it in parks or in each other’s apartments. We’d organize movie marathon nights with popcorn and melted butter and all kinds of sweets just to end up naked on the sofa drinking soju. We’d go skating and snowboarding on weekends or on a random road trip with no particular destination. We roamed the streets for hours just to end up kissing somewhere as a way of saying goodbye before going to class. Jae loved to take pictures and videos. He never posted them anywhere on social media, but he did always send them to me attached with some sweet message. He was the kind of guy that buys you flowers just to make you smile. The kind that moms adore because of how reliable and lovable they are. The hours we had to be apart were agonizing for both of us so in the end moving in with Jae after just 4 months of dating only felt natural.

For a while, a year and a half to be precise, it felt like we totally on the same wavelength. It would take more time for me to realize that our frequencies were different. Without a doubt, Jae’s love was like the sea: wide and whole. Caring for him made me joyous, like a kid on an endless summer vacation. I thought that this loving connectedness was what unconditional love was meant to be. The time I spent with Younghyun suddenly seemed like nothing compared with the love I felt for Jae. Our time together was so many things. Sweet, idyllic, comfortable. But we were unstable, too, and the unresolved traumas of his childhood combined with my hesitation ultimately poisoned our relationship. I struggled to be truly there for him, to let him open up to me truly, no matter how deeply and devotedly he loved me. I pulled him close only to push him away again. Jae carried things inside him that I was too afraid to understand. Just like the little kid I was just too afraid to learn how to swim in his waves and currents. The wide blue sea somewhere along the way, stopped being beautiful in my eyes, it was now scary, strange and dark. This time, I was the one to step back, I was the one that packed suitcases and when I kissed him goodbye, I wondered if Younghyun had felt the same amount of bitterness but equal relief as I did at that moment.

It would have been selfish to ask him to stay friends, so I didn’t and inevitable we’ve lost touch since then. I used to ask Jamie sometimes about how Jae is doing. She once told me that “if you have loved someone truly, then it is really difficult to get over that person and get over that love. There is no easy way to un-love a person”. I stopped asking after that. There are nights that I pray that Jae will soon find a worthy person who will love him back, this time forever and whole.

 

___

 

To be honest, how I fell in love with Sungjin had nothing to do with how I wanted to fall in love. It was unexpected. He was a rather serious man and not my usual type. I’m sure I wasn’t his, either. He worked in the post office, where I often went to receive packages of my online orders. He was undoubtedly a familiar face in my neighborhood, I had often seen him in the record shop, the bookstore, the bakery, even the supermarket. We had talked in the post office, of course, and that one time while we were waiting for the same bus and he was kind enough to share his umbrella with me. His appearance, his hair, his eyes, his humor, his voice, his personality, the way he looked away shyly when he smiled, it took time for me to fall in love for each and everything about him. My love for him formed gradually, almost like an infant, baby steps. He came into my life so peacefully, almost slipped in unnoticed. When people talk about falling in love they speak about butterflies in their stomach, about fireworks in the distance, about the ground shaking underneath. It was nothing like this. This was a kind of love that came without the usual warning signs I had previously experienced, a love that nestled in me slowly but steadily, the kind that grows in your heart like a beautiful plant. Every previous thought I had of love, before him, seemed wrong. Before him, I mistook drama and adventure for true passion. I thought it was normal to have to wonder if I was still wanted or to be unsure sometimes to trust completely. I thought love was supposed to wash over me like a wave in the ocean, to leave me in a constant state of swimming and drowning, of breathing and not.  But that isn’t love—at least it isn’t our love. Our love isn’t feeling alone or impatient whenever we’re apart, but feeling sure and strong of our connection. Our love isn’t in the progress of trying to change the other person into what we believe they should be, but it’s accepting each other for who we are despite our shortcomings. Our love isn’t screaming hateful words at each other, and then calling it passion, but it’s about finding solutions even if it means that we will have to stay up until 4 o’clock in the morning to figure it out. Our love isn’t complementing each other for the sake of complimenting, but because we want each other to know how special and wonderful we are. Our love isn't just about being comfortable, it's about being truly happy, it's about trusting someone enough to share your deepest thoughts, fears and dreams. Our love is structured and shapeless at the same time, it’s beautiful even when it’s ugly, because even when those moments rear their ugly head, we stay. And we choose to stay because our love loves us, even on the days we find it hard to love ourselves.

I know this time it’s true. You see, Sungjin’s love isn’t like the river or the sea. It’s like the sand, the soil, the forest, the earth itself: because no matter how long you swim, you’ll always need to rest your body on the shore.

“Good evening” I said.

“Good evening” he said back.

The post office seemed brighter that day under the morning sun.

**Author's Note:**

> YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ;-; 
> 
> When I finished writing this, I reread it and a realization suddenly hit me. I wrote something based on my experience without realizing it.  
> To “Younghyun” (not the real one oc cause I love than man) I want to say a “fuck you with capital letters, but at the same time thank you so much”. You hurt me deeply but at the same time, unintentionally, you were the reason I started caring more about myself, the reason I understood that being selfish once in a while is actually healthy.  
> To “Jae”, I’m truly sorry. The way I treated you wasn’t fair or just. I still think that our timing, even though it appeared to be perfect, was entirely wrong. I just wasn’t ready to be loved so passionately and I wasn’t ready to accept your insecurities along mine. I wish you happiness. I wish that one day you’ll forgive me. Maybe you already did but I don’t know. I was too much of a coward to even say sorry. Maybe one day I will.  
> Last but not least, to "Sungjin"… I just wish we’ll meet soon =) 
> 
> As always thank you for taking the time to read this story. I admit it’s kinda messy but it still means a lot to me. Comments are always welcomed. Also say hi to me on twitter cause I'm lonely @linusblanket_21. Have a wonderful weekend!


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